I wish

I wish there was a handbook, a guideline of sorts, for life.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do for a living.

I wish I knew, with certainty, that there was a husband and children in my future.

I wish I had a a place to call home.

I wish I had a sister – an older sister.

I wish I could just understand.

I wish I knew that being in my mid-twenties was going to be so hard.

Isn’t it funny? Life, that is.  I’ve been told that it’s okay to still be feeling it out. But, I have also been told that I should have a career by now. That I should be working towards a family.

I feel trapped. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It seems that everyone around me has at least one of the following, if not more, things that I classify as happiness…

  • Career
  • Significant other (engaged or married…long term essentially)
  • House – a place to call home.
  • Children

And I have none. I feel like the 5th wheel, the odd one out, the loser, the failure.  It feels like rock bottom keeps on getting deeper and deeper. Just when I thought I have reached to bottom, it moves out from underneath me.

To progress in the area of careers, I’m stuck in a “catch 22.” I need to go back to school and the degree and/or certificates needed…..but I’m already $54k+ in debt from student loans, and I refuse to take on any more.  Or, I can change directions completely and go to a tech school on a full-ride scholarship, and attend classes full time for 1 year, but that idea is not wildly supported by those who area close to me. Or….so many different options. And apparently that’s worrisome to others.

I thought I would have it all together by now. I thought I would at least have a career by now. If I would have known that I had to have it all together by now….maybe I would have done things a little differently. Maybe.

I am just simply confused, and honestly, depressed, about it all.

Yet….life continues on. One fail at a time.
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When the pain comes raging in.

Life.

You think you finally have something figured in your life. Finally. But it’s really just a figment of your imagination.

It’s been over 11 months since I have typed, and I can just feel the blog therapy running through my veins and out to my fingers as I begin to type.

SO. MUCH. HAS. HAPPENED.

I experienced the loss of a loved one, heartbreak, confusion, physical pain, and just pure anger from it all.

I graduated college. Finally. After 5 full time years and one very part time, May came and went and dropped off a Bachelors of General Studies degree.  It was bittersweet, to be honest. I wanted to be a music and math teacher…maybe a little bit of geography education, too. But, my pockets do not run deep, and I just could not bear the thought of adding more to my students loans.  (Speaking of which, payments started this month. Ouch.) BUT, it’s an accomplishment. I graduated college. With a bachelor’s degree.

Plain and simple.

I took a job with the Rapid City School District. I currently work in the Academic Resource Room as a teacher aide…in a high school. Let’s just say, it’s a love-hate relationship. Some days, I rely on it for my sanity. Other days, it drives me to insanity. This position has allowed me to have full time benefits, which has been used to the max. (Continue reading and you’ll see why!) However, I still work during Rush Hockey games to make just enough to hold me through the month.

Next.

Some of you know what I have been going through the last couple of months. Some don’t. Here’s a rundown. (Things will get a little personal – it’s the nature of it all.)

Pure, physical pain.

My periods have always been painful, and I thought that was always normal. Last summer, I was taken into urgent care for unbearable pain…my coworkers (and boss) were concerned it was appendicitis. Definitely was not that, it was just “cramps.” Well lady, I know what cramps are, and that is NOT what is was.  A couple of months later, I went to my family doctor in Cheyenne. And? She said it was “textbook endometriosis.” I was put on birth control to help regulate, but the pain never went away. Fast forward several months….migraines. They kicked in like never before. I was visiting doctors and the chiropractor constantly. No rhyme or reason. Finally, I quit taking my birth control after finding some interesting research tying the hormones to the increase in migraines. And within 48 hours….the migraines stopped. But now the pelvic pain was unbearable again. I was finally able to get in with a specialist. Had an ultra sound. (Not. Okay. Awkward. Painful, Uncomfortable. Bleh!) The results revealed that I had a decent sized ovarian cyst. Cool. Runs in the family, right? No big deal.

6 days later…..

I find myself in the ER. The pain was ridiculous. I passed out twice. I live alone. I was terrified. I was done. After a CT Scan revealed blood in my lower abdomen, they were about to prep me for emergency surgery.  Another ultrasound was administered first, and the cyst had “resolved itself.” My OB/GYN came to the hospital and said the cyst didn’t “just explode, it ruptured.” Great. I was admitted for an over night stay due to the bleeding and the fact that I could not maintain a normal blood pressure to save my life. And I was dehydrated.  About a week later, I was given a shot that would shut down my reproductive organs for a month, and essentially, the pain should subside…I was pain free for a month!! A month of normalcy. A month of activities. A month pain free.

A follow-up, oh-so-lovely ultrasound….and another cyst. Bigger, badder, and meaner than the last. The pain has come raging back and it will not leave.

Hemorrhagic Ovarian Cysts. That means blood – a sac of blood. Blood means injury. The sac leaks. Leakage means pain. Insane, random shots of pain. And it means another ticking time bomb….with no given timeline.

Pain killers. Migraine meds. Surgery.

I. Am. Terrified.

What are they going to find? What if my ovary has to be taken out? I am only 24 and childless – I do not want to be childless for the rest of my life! What if it’s something serious? What if?

I have been so incredibly thankful for my family and friends. They have kept me positive and given me an outlet to think about other things. They have helped me financially push through this extremely stressful time of medical bills, both for me and my puppy dog, student loans, rent, groceries, and just bills in general.

Only time will tell what is to happen next, and it’s going to drag on until then.

flower

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Restart

Holy January 5th, Batman!

I don’t even know how to start this thing tonight…

SO much has happened in the past couple of weeks, and I got a lot on my brain. So, we’re diving in!

  • School
    • How the heck am I going to PAY for school?! I’ve been on financial aid probation for this year, and I broke one of their restriction/guideline thingies, so I am now appealing  to have some sort of money just so I can stinkin’ graduate!
    • Graduation. May 7. It’s only taken me 6 years…
    • But first, classes. 9 more credits….9 more credits…9 more credits….I. Just. Want. To. Be. Done.
  • Essential Oils!
    • Heck yaaaassssss! So, I am now a Wellness Advocate for doterra-logo and I couldn’t be more excited!! I have seen a ridiculous amount of personal benefits from using the oils, and I just had to share the wealth! If you are interested in what the heck I am talking about, or want oils but do not know where to start, or just general questions, message me! I would be more than willing to get you all knowledged up!
    • Psssst…..I am currently diffusing a blend of lemon and lavender and I feel so dang focused yet so relaxed. That is such a new feeling to me and its AHHHH-MAAAAZIIIIIIING. (So is the smell!)
  • Finances…
    • Ahhhh, what young adult isn’t stressing out about their financial situation???
    • Not enough work during the winter time, and it’s starting to really effect my budget. Yikes! (Thank goodness for doterra-logo and the amazing business opportunity!)
  • Organization!
    • I have strived for the last couple of years to become more and more organized, and, for the most part, I have somewhat succeeded.
    • Planner. Every stinkin’ year, I tell myself “I am gonna get a planner, and keep it organized and it shall be my lifeline!” And every year, I never keep it up. But with so much on my plate right now, I feel like it will be nothing but beneficial…and really hard to do! I look at people, like a former roommate and my best friend, and so many others, and here they are, so ambitious and tidy and cute with their planners. And I’m just over here *scratching my head with a furrowed brow. *Buuuut I have my big calendar (which did get me through last year) and a cute planer with some sticky notes, and highlighters….color coordination man!
  • FOOD!

As Fall Out Boy would sing….it’s irresistible!  ;]

  • People
    • Ah, yes. How can someone love people so much, yet despise being around them??? Gahhhh!
    • My job is a social job, and I am required to deal with a bunch of drunks watching hockey. It gets interesting. To say the least…but it can be pretty hilarious! I work with some amazing people. Be jealous! Just kidding. If you don’t work food/alcohol service, there is NO need to be jealous..
    • The  pain and hurt that a single individual can cause, and how long it can linger – especially in the midst of trying to start your life and move on and be truly happy. There is almost a daily reminder of the hurt. And it’s not just one individual…it’s many that have caused some sort of pain in my short little life span. BUT  that is what makes me the beautiful and knowledgeable human being I am today! I would NEVER go back and trade a single day to have less hurt and pain. (Once again, doterra-logo has become such a saving grace to me!)
    • Friends. They may be few and far between, but they are oh so very important to me! They see the hurt and pain, and they choose to love me anyway. And put up with my crazy self. That’s a feat in it’s self! Hahahaha! (I really wish emojis existed in WordPress right now…) ;D
  • God.
    • Oh man, do I suck at being a Christian. A lot. Like, a crap ton. But God still loves me and He always will. It is SO incredibly hard to live in this crazy world, let alone to live for His will. As humans, we are easily drawn to the worldly views and the worldly way of things. And, in the process, we destroy ourselves then proceed to destroy others – often without knowing it. I struggle so much to fit in with everyone around, and that almost always means neglecting God and His will.
    • I want to be in control. I want to be able to plan ahead and know what to expect and when to expect it. But man, I could never be more wrong. I have experienced His love and His redemption and His healing. Yet, why do I continue to not trust in His plan and His will He has in place for me??
    • I want to be more like Him, but I also want the immediate pleasures and the artificial joy of the world. And I want you all to know that I am trying, and I will fail, time and time again. Some failures may last for a realllllllyyyy long time, while others I will simply battle in my head, on my own. I am far from being the Christ lover I am called to be, but it is my daily goal to love God more and more.
    • All of these things I have talked about tonight?? If I would just give it all to God, then He would be in control, I would be less stressed, more loving and patient, and more accepting of what my future may hold for me. I just don’t want to let go.
    • What I want you to know:
      • I am trying to live my life for God and to be more like Him. It’s not just a daily challenge, but it is a challenge e v e r y s e c o n d of the day.
      • I am terrified. People know my past, they know my failures, and I fear people hold that against me. I want to change. Every ounce in my body. So please, do not hold me back.

 

Y’all are amazing. Keep it up, okay?

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Psalm 65:8

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Call me “Rookie”

Actually, no. Please don’t.

World. I’m Rachel. Also known as Rach or Red.

A blog, huh?  Well, there’s been so much on my mind lately and I have no way of getting it out.  There are so many things I want the world to see or hear or do or think about or understand.  All involving the life of Rachel. Some mishaps, some coincidences, and some straight-up, intentional stuff.  This blog…it will be my outlet.  And I think this outlet will prove to help me through this awkward stage in my life.

Anywho.

Be prepared. Be prepared for a lot of life to to happen in this blog, like:

  • Emotion. Potentially lots of it some days.
  • Recipes.
  • My dog.
  • DIY shtuff.
  • Complete and total randomness.
  • Ideas and dreams.
  • Nature.
  • Pure chaos.
  • My life story.

Y’all are going to get to know me pretty well throughout this adventure in my life. There will be things that will be hard to read and things that will make you laugh.

If you have questions, ask. Comments or disagreements, be respectful and let’s chat.

I am not perfect.

I am just trying to figure out this crazy thing called life, one day at a time.

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