I wish

I wish there was a handbook, a guideline of sorts, for life.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do for a living.

I wish I knew, with certainty, that there was a husband and children in my future.

I wish I had a a place to call home.

I wish I had a sister – an older sister.

I wish I could just understand.

I wish I knew that being in my mid-twenties was going to be so hard.

Isn’t it funny? Life, that is.  I’ve been told that it’s okay to still be feeling it out. But, I have also been told that I should have a career by now. That I should be working towards a family.

I feel trapped. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It seems that everyone around me has at least one of the following, if not more, things that I classify as happiness…

  • Career
  • Significant other (engaged or married…long term essentially)
  • House – a place to call home.
  • Children

And I have none. I feel like the 5th wheel, the odd one out, the loser, the failure.  It feels like rock bottom keeps on getting deeper and deeper. Just when I thought I have reached to bottom, it moves out from underneath me.

To progress in the area of careers, I’m stuck in a “catch 22.” I need to go back to school and the degree and/or certificates needed…..but I’m already $54k+ in debt from student loans, and I refuse to take on any more.  Or, I can change directions completely and go to a tech school on a full-ride scholarship, and attend classes full time for 1 year, but that idea is not wildly supported by those who area close to me. Or….so many different options. And apparently that’s worrisome to others.

I thought I would have it all together by now. I thought I would at least have a career by now. If I would have known that I had to have it all together by now….maybe I would have done things a little differently. Maybe.

I am just simply confused, and honestly, depressed, about it all.

Yet….life continues on. One fail at a time.




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