I wish

I wish there was a handbook, a guideline of sorts, for life.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do for a living.

I wish I knew, with certainty, that there was a husband and children in my future.

I wish I had a a place to call home.

I wish I had a sister – an older sister.

I wish I could just understand.

I wish I knew that being in my mid-twenties was going to be so hard.

Isn’t it funny? Life, that is.  I’ve been told that it’s okay to still be feeling it out. But, I have also been told that I should have a career by now. That I should be working towards a family.

I feel trapped. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It seems that everyone around me has at least one of the following, if not more, things that I classify as happiness…

  • Career
  • Significant other (engaged or married…long term essentially)
  • House – a place to call home.
  • Children

And I have none. I feel like the 5th wheel, the odd one out, the loser, the failure.  It feels like rock bottom keeps on getting deeper and deeper. Just when I thought I have reached to bottom, it moves out from underneath me.

To progress in the area of careers, I’m stuck in a “catch 22.” I need to go back to school and the degree and/or certificates needed…..but I’m already $54k+ in debt from student loans, and I refuse to take on any more.  Or, I can change directions completely and go to a tech school on a full-ride scholarship, and attend classes full time for 1 year, but that idea is not wildly supported by those who area close to me. Or….so many different options. And apparently that’s worrisome to others.

I thought I would have it all together by now. I thought I would at least have a career by now. If I would have known that I had to have it all together by now….maybe I would have done things a little differently. Maybe.

I am just simply confused, and honestly, depressed, about it all.

Yet….life continues on. One fail at a time.
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When the pain comes raging in.

Life.

You think you finally have something figured in your life. Finally. But it’s really just a figment of your imagination.

It’s been over 11 months since I have typed, and I can just feel the blog therapy running through my veins and out to my fingers as I begin to type.

SO. MUCH. HAS. HAPPENED.

I experienced the loss of a loved one, heartbreak, confusion, physical pain, and just pure anger from it all.

I graduated college. Finally. After 5 full time years and one very part time, May came and went and dropped off a Bachelors of General Studies degree.  It was bittersweet, to be honest. I wanted to be a music and math teacher…maybe a little bit of geography education, too. But, my pockets do not run deep, and I just could not bear the thought of adding more to my students loans.  (Speaking of which, payments started this month. Ouch.) BUT, it’s an accomplishment. I graduated college. With a bachelor’s degree.

Plain and simple.

I took a job with the Rapid City School District. I currently work in the Academic Resource Room as a teacher aide…in a high school. Let’s just say, it’s a love-hate relationship. Some days, I rely on it for my sanity. Other days, it drives me to insanity. This position has allowed me to have full time benefits, which has been used to the max. (Continue reading and you’ll see why!) However, I still work during Rush Hockey games to make just enough to hold me through the month.

Next.

Some of you know what I have been going through the last couple of months. Some don’t. Here’s a rundown. (Things will get a little personal – it’s the nature of it all.)

Pure, physical pain.

My periods have always been painful, and I thought that was always normal. Last summer, I was taken into urgent care for unbearable pain…my coworkers (and boss) were concerned it was appendicitis. Definitely was not that, it was just “cramps.” Well lady, I know what cramps are, and that is NOT what is was.  A couple of months later, I went to my family doctor in Cheyenne. And? She said it was “textbook endometriosis.” I was put on birth control to help regulate, but the pain never went away. Fast forward several months….migraines. They kicked in like never before. I was visiting doctors and the chiropractor constantly. No rhyme or reason. Finally, I quit taking my birth control after finding some interesting research tying the hormones to the increase in migraines. And within 48 hours….the migraines stopped. But now the pelvic pain was unbearable again. I was finally able to get in with a specialist. Had an ultra sound. (Not. Okay. Awkward. Painful, Uncomfortable. Bleh!) The results revealed that I had a decent sized ovarian cyst. Cool. Runs in the family, right? No big deal.

6 days later…..

I find myself in the ER. The pain was ridiculous. I passed out twice. I live alone. I was terrified. I was done. After a CT Scan revealed blood in my lower abdomen, they were about to prep me for emergency surgery.  Another ultrasound was administered first, and the cyst had “resolved itself.” My OB/GYN came to the hospital and said the cyst didn’t “just explode, it ruptured.” Great. I was admitted for an over night stay due to the bleeding and the fact that I could not maintain a normal blood pressure to save my life. And I was dehydrated.  About a week later, I was given a shot that would shut down my reproductive organs for a month, and essentially, the pain should subside…I was pain free for a month!! A month of normalcy. A month of activities. A month pain free.

A follow-up, oh-so-lovely ultrasound….and another cyst. Bigger, badder, and meaner than the last. The pain has come raging back and it will not leave.

Hemorrhagic Ovarian Cysts. That means blood – a sac of blood. Blood means injury. The sac leaks. Leakage means pain. Insane, random shots of pain. And it means another ticking time bomb….with no given timeline.

Pain killers. Migraine meds. Surgery.

I. Am. Terrified.

What are they going to find? What if my ovary has to be taken out? I am only 24 and childless – I do not want to be childless for the rest of my life! What if it’s something serious? What if?

I have been so incredibly thankful for my family and friends. They have kept me positive and given me an outlet to think about other things. They have helped me financially push through this extremely stressful time of medical bills, both for me and my puppy dog, student loans, rent, groceries, and just bills in general.

Only time will tell what is to happen next, and it’s going to drag on until then.

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